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Why everyone should try BDSM at least once
It's the movie on everyone's lips. We're about to get set for the cinema release of the first installment of E.L. James' massive Fifty Shades series in the form of Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dorman taking you to places you (may) have never been before with 50 Shades of Grey. *Spoiler* Girl gets schooled in the art of kink.
 
Apr 27, 2015

BDSM Intro

Bondage. Discipline. Dominance. Submission. Sadism. Masochism.

This movie is on everyone's lips. We're about to get ready for the cinema release of the first instalment of E.L. James' impressive Fifty Shades series in the form of Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dorman taking you to places you have never been to before in “50 Shades of Grey”. The “Spoiler” Girl gets educated in the art of kink.

Maybe you have read the book or intend on watching the movie. Perhaps you are an old hand at a less-than-vanilla lifestyle that you'd like to explain to your friends.  Perhaps you are simply a little curious about what all the fuss is about. I'm here to tell you why exploration of unknown territories and the world of BDSM could open you up to a realm of ecstasy, completeness and love you had no idea existed. And hey, there is definitely no harm in giving that a shot!

How I got started

My own journey into the realm of BSDM started around my 18th birthday. My boyfriend at the time brought up one night stand he'd had where the girl started to choke him while they were having sex and within about a minute he'd come as hard as he could remember. The pleasure seeker in me immediately wanted to see if it would work on me as well. Jumping into bed, he brought me to the verge of orgasm and then started choking me. The feeling of his hand around my throat, the knowing he had complete control of me and the dizzy breathlessness that goes along with asphyxiation made me come harder than ever. I was hooked.

The trust. The control. The power. 

As soon as I got home I scoured the internet to give me some more information on what exactly we were doing. Erotic asphyxiation. Clicking through to various sites kept on bringing up one term in particular: BDSM. Bondage. Discipline. Dominance. Submission. Sadism. Masochism.  I read all about how the dominant and the submissive, the central roles we play in BSDM, involved one person, the dom, being in complete control of a situation and their partner, and the other, the sub, relinquishing that control. I read about how there must be the ultimate trust between two people to allow this to happen and how subs often use a 'safe word' to utter if the situation is becoming too much for them. About how dominance can make you feel powerful, loved and respected, and about how submission can make you feel free.

So there's the choking, what else can I do?

Of course there are many forms and activities it can come in; from the rope arts of Shibari (have a look at FKA Twigs latest music video Pendulum at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8yix8PZKlw for an interesting take), to a few cheeky paddle smacks of your partner's ass, to being humiliated by being called names, to leading the full on lifestyle in a master-slave contracted relationship, once you dip your toes into the pool, you never know where it may take you.

 

The brain as a sexual organ

I've come across the phrase "the most powerful sexual organ is the brain" a lot. Activities involving BDSM are what I believe to be the ultimate capitalisation of this. If you haven't yet tried, you may not know the extent of what your brain is able to do for your sex life, and possible sexual liberation!  Having myself entered into what's known as 'subspace', akin to hypnosis or a meditative-like state (likened sometimes to a high) that a submissive may fall into under the right play conditions I can tell you right now that there is nothing more powerful than feeling like your are transcending the normal physical realm and entering a higher secondary state, at the same time knowing you are not under the influence of any substances other than your own body and mind.


So all well and good, but how can I start on this magical, mythical journey you describe?

Let me preface this by saying BDSM is not for everyone. Firstly you need to figure out whether you are more suited to the role of the dominant or the submissive in the situation. According to a study by Wismeijer & van Assen (2013), cited in Psychology Today, the spread across the gender in dominance and submission roles would look similar to the following:

BDSM Roles

If you're a straight male with submissive tendencies then you've either got to find a woman in that 24% of doms to switches (someone who is comfortable playing either role) to help you play them out, or get comfortable with the idea of a man wielding that power over you. BDSM doesn't actually have to involve sexual contact after all.

If you are the bold, take charge type, dominance may come naturally to you and you wish to carry that over into the bedroom. Or you may feel like submission gives you a chance to relinquish those qualities about yourself, even if just for a short while. You might end up being able to enjoy both roles equally as a switch, the only way is to try it out and see! If you are shy and timid, you may be more suited to the submissive role, or you might like to try being the assertive, aggressive type in the dom role that you never are in real life!

How to breach to subject with your significant other

Now that you're curious about getting stuck into a little bit of raunchy fun, I would suggest you run off and chat to your partner ASAP about your plans for the both of your sexual awakening! However if you are a little more timid about it perhaps next time your start to have sex, some light playful slapping or "maybe suggest doing this..." wouldn't go astray. If your partner is not willing to try it at the time perhaps bring it up again another couple of times. However for some people this is simply just not their jam. Realise when you should stop pressuring them into something they don't want to do as it will just end badly for the both of you.

The start-up BDSM kit

So you've convinced your boo to get a little bit crazy in the bedroom. From here you need to stock up your props for the situation. These are the must-have items you can add to your swag bag when shopping at Condomania.com, paddle, flogger, blind fold, dildos, vibrators, hand and ankle restraints,, ball gag, and hopefully you already own a four post bed, otherwise look for other places around the house where you could tie someone to (maybe the legs of a table?). The other option is to buy a kit that features all these items already in a bundle.


If your budget is a little more limited I recommend doing what Mr Grey does and DIY it. For a paddle try a wooden spoon or a spatula, a flogger try some soft lengths of twine (must be soft!) and electrical tape wrapped tightly around one of the end for a handle, blind fold can literally be any piece of fabric you can't see through, men's ties for hand and ankle restraints (or my personal favourite - duct tape - although it is mighty sticky after you peel off!),  more duct tape for a gag, the only thing I would absolutely buy from the sex shop is a cheap dildo but make sure to use it with condoms because the plastic those babies are made of is not the best for putting into your body.


Other items you might like to pick up for your first session are candles for dripping on the body, ear plugs if you want to cause auditory deprivation and maybe nipple clamps/pegs for nipple play.

To set the scene I would perhaps have an early light romantic meal with your partner and a couple of drinks (but don't get drunk!!) and then have the rest of the evening dedicated to playtime. Agree over your drinks on a safe word - a short, unusual, unsexy word that can't be mistaken for something fun (ex. noodles,  hippo, leech)  that is to only be used if either partner *just can't stand it anymore* not simply for a little bit of pain or uncomfortableness. If you feel like switching up roles in the middle to try it out this is highly recommended! Hey, you can't knock something till you've tried it can you? If your initial play session goes well / extremely well (and best of luck to you!) then this is just the start of something that can maybe take your relationship to the next level.

And with that, if you are ready to expand your mind and push the physical boundaries, then get to it already!

Jules xox

 
 

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